Saturday, November 11, 2017

33 Types Of Girls I Wouldn't Date

People often ask me "what's my type?"

It's a question that often leaves me speechless and dumbfounded.

Hard to believe as it is, I don't have a "type". I'm fine with most type of girls. I'm quite open. I don't have a checklist.

That said, what I am quite certain of is the type of girls I wouldn't want to date - not even if she's the last chick on the planet and humanity depends on our offspring. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not abdicating my duty here. I'll simply release my precious bodily fluids into a flask, and inseminate them into the target womb with the assistance of advanced medical gadgets - and avoid all physical contact whatsoever.)

Pretty in pink - so not my type...
33 Ways How NOT To Win My Heart

Alright, ready? Here we go! 

I won't date a girl who...

(1) is needy

(2) spends more than a hour shopping for lip-gloss

(3) spends more than 15 minutes deciding whether to eat for dinner on a week-night (especially after a long day at work, with more work to be done later in the night)

(4) spends more than 15 minutes getting into my car if I arrive on the agreed time of arrival

(5) ask me more than once on how I'm feeling when I already answered very clearly the first time "I'm fine, how about you?" (okay, fine, more than twice - if we have a complicated relationship and there's more tension than usual)

(6) ask me how would I like to celebrate my birthday when I clearly stated I don't want to celebrate my birthday

(7) can't tell the difference between "love" and "marriage"

(8) can't tell the difference between "Not now" and "Okay, let's talk"

(9) can't tell the difference between an immigrant and a refugee

(10) hasn't watched Star Wars

(11) hasn't stayed in a hotel with 3 stars or less on a holiday

(11) thinks Coldplay is a rock band

(12) thinks democracy is the solution to every problem

(13) acts like my Mom

(14) acts like Taylor Swift

(15) behaves differently in front of my friends

(16) behaves differently in front of her friends

(17) can't drive or take public transport

(18) can't eat alone in a restaurant

(19) can't go outdoors without wearing makeup

(20) looks significantly different in photos than in real life
(21) never offers to pick the tab

(22) loves diamond rings

(23) takes photos of every single meal they eat outside

(24) plays Monopoly or charades as if it's there's a world championship crown on the line

(25) accept invites to functions they would moan about for weeks of having to go

(26) reads romance novels

(27) believes men and women are equal in every single aspect of life

(28) believes that real men should be able to change tires, change diapers, cook a four-course meal, write poetry, cry at sad movies, brood like an emo New Age vampire, and so on...

(29) measures the love of a man by the amount of "I love you" and gifts he showers her

(30) measures her worth to a man by how many compromises and changes he's willing to make to be with her

(31) reads too much in the things I say

(32) reads too much in the things I've left unsaid

(33) treats this list as a comprehensive and conclusive guide to understanding what type of girls I'm into and I'm not

Wonder woman - okay, good enough for me...
You're Not The One

Do I always stick to the list? Of course not.

Love is a drug. Love plays buggers with our mind. Love hurts.

I've dated girls who tick one or more of those boxes, on more occasions than I can count. Feels oh so good, at the start. Then reality hits, and crash boom bang! It's through much pain and suffering, trial and error, that I've managed to compile this list. Experience is a ruthless but effective teacher.

I've nothing personal against such girls, mind you. It's their character to be. It's their affairs to keep. It's their life to lead.

I'm sure there are tons of guys waiting in line to shower them with flowers. Good for them. As long as they know exactly what they're buying into.

So all you lovely ladies out there, if you tick any of those boxes, look the other way. Don't bother trying. Save your time.

I'm not the man you're looking for.

And you're not the one for me.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

I'm A Serial Cheater, And I'm Sorry

I'm a cheater.

I cheat, cheat, and cheat...

In fact, I just cheated last week. Sorry! Cheating is wrong. But it's just partial cheating, okay? And there were mitigating factors.

You're lovely, babe...

All I Do Is Cheat, Cheat, Cheat

Last week, I posted an article as per my usual practice and promise I made from the first day I started writing (three times a month - and exactly on the 1st, 11th and 21st). It was about STRESS.

But what most of you didn't know (except for those who really checked on the day itself - so sorry, my loyal readers!) was that it was incomplete. Yes, I had not finished writing it, yet went on ahead to publish it. For the sake of meeting my deadline. A day or two later, I edited and completed it (with the sneakiness of a love ninja on the streets of Paris).

Yes, I cheated. I broke my promise. How naughty of me!

Well, technically, I would argue it's not a fundamental breach, you know? I did write half of it before the deadline. I had a rough few weeks. Work, stress, long sleepless nights (and not because I'm getting lucky)...

Well, this is not the first time. I've cheated before for... three or four times? I know, I know, repeated minor breaches can amount to a fundamental breach. Look, let's not go legal, okay?

Yes, I cheated - and I'm sorry.

What else do you want me to say? Or do?

... but you're not the only one...

Once You Cheat, You Can't Stop...

Ah ha! What were you thinking? That this was about affairs and adulteries? Well, sorry to disappoint, because it's not.

Feel cheated? I'm a cheater, after all.

Well, alright, I'll talk a little about it, since I'm on this saucy subject.

There are many types of cheating, not just in love. We cheat on our diets. We cheat at gym. We cheat in exams.

It's dangerous to start cheating, no matter how trivial it may be. Once you start cheating on the small things, you'll gradually continue cheating and cheating until you finally cheat on the big things one day...

Yes, cheating is bad. Cheating is addictive. And once it becomes a habit, it's hard to stop. You become an expert in excuses. You get good at saying sorry. You no longer feel the pain of guilt.

So don't start cheating, kids! Cheating can get you into all kinds of trouble, especially when you're an adult. sorry!

Next Time... There Won't Be A Next Time

So please forgive me.

I know, it's easy to say sorry. Much harder to stop doing things to feel sorry about. Hopefully, this is the last time I cheat.

I promise I won't cheat again. But if I do, I'm sorry. So sorry.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

STRESS (2017 Q3 Report)

In a new running routine, I will issue a quarterly report of my life (four times a year, every three months), summed in a single-word title. First quarter was about FAILURE, second quarter was about PATIENCE. This time, something a little more positive.

I was due to give this quarterly report last month. Whoops! Totally slipped my mind. Goes to show how overstretched I am of late.

Things are just moving thick and fast, beyond my control. I'm juggling too many balls at once. I'm struggling to keep up. I'm losing track of stuff. Not good. I need to prioritise and delegate better. Otherwise, I'll drop all the glassy balls, and they'll break into pieces. Can't let that happen, can we?

But stress is good. Stress keeps my mind ticking, and my body moving. Stress keeps me alive.

How I spend my lovely weekends

Why The Stress?

I've been swamped by stuff, that's why.

'Stuff' here refers to 'work', and also all matters incidental to 'work'.

What's with the fuzzy definitions? Well, the stuff I'm doing, it's hard to tell exactly where 'work' starts and ends.

One way of looking at it is that everything I do is considered 'work'. I've barely got time for meetings and discussions, so I've been having a lot of 'working lunches'. My bedtime reading has shifted from catching up with the latest news to perusing work research materials (which arguably isn't a big shift, and says a lot about my lifelessness).

But another way of looking at it - the happier way - is that everything I do isn't considered 'work', but instead in pursuance of my 'passion'. Yes, I do genuinely enjoy the stuff I do, even the research part. How I wish that my stomach can go without eating and my brain go without sleep whole day, so that I have more time to focus on my 'passion' (which, once again, says a lot about my lifelessness).

New Day, New Stress

Each passing day, new tasks and deadlines keep popping up.

Even writing this article is stressful as it is. It's a strict regime I've kept for the last 4 years without break (posting a piece three times every month). It's not easy coming up with new things to say, or interesting ways to say the same thing (I'm not a prophet, I can't be coming up new revelations all the time, eh?).

But the stress of writing is good. Keeps my brain ticking. Keeps my creative juices flowing.

Like most self-proclaimed 'artists', I thrive on inspiration. But you know what's the secret to inspiration? Inspiration flows faster and more frequently when you're constantly pressuring yourself to come up with something - anything - within a set period of time.

Call it last-minute pressure. Call it deliberate practice. Call it whatever you want.

"Shall I compare thee to an Instagram story... hmm, that's not right..."

Deliberate Practice, Forced Inspiration

The point is, good work is forced as much as much as inspired.

Remember the book you promise yourself to write by last year (whoops!) but never completed? Remember the diet regime you spent hours reading about but never quite followed? Remember the new work proposal you bragged about to your bosses that would "fundamentally enhance our vertical and horizontal synergies through collaborative cascading catalysts" (whatever that means) but never quite got pass the first draft?

Making bold commitments is easy, keeping track of them is a different kettle of fish altogether.

How do I keep myself inspired? Through discipline. Through practice. Through stress.

So Much Inspiration, So Little Time

In fact, I have so many bright ideas flowing each day, I don't even have time to experiment all of them as much as I wish to.

There are dozens of story ideas in my head begging to be put into words.

There are dozens of people with high synergistic prospects I've been put off meeting(yeah, it's not enough to have 'chemistry' these days, 'synergy' is the extra catalyst you must spin to catch people's attention, at least in our collaborative world).

There are dozens of projects I can see myself doing with as much as passion as I have for the currents ones I'm committed to right now.

Yes, I really wish I could clone myself, and let them execute the bountiful ideas I have in reserve. But since the technology doesn't exist (or at least, commercially available), I have to settle with sharing them with other people and hope it'll inspire them to take action - not necessarily on my ideas, but also their own ideas that they've been sitting on for ages.

It's really a shame how many goods ideas go to waste simply because of our growling stomachs, Instagram, and seven seasons of 'Games of Thrones' (good thing it's ending soon).

My secret clone army

No Stress, No Passion, No Life

The more stress I have, the more alive I feel.

Is it the best or only way to live our lives?

Maybe not. But life feels more fulfilling and meaningful that way, at least to me and the truly happy people that I know.

Yes, ironically enough, stress does bring about happiness.

For true happiness comes from pursuing our passions. And true passion always comes with stress.