Tuesday, November 11, 2014

How To Pass The "Do-I-Look-Fat" Test

Females are complicated creatures. They don't say exactly what they mean, they don't mean exactly what they say. Innocuous questions are barbed with trip wires, requests for opinions are trapdoors to trouble. A man has to be very careful with what he says and how he says it. An accidental slip of tongue may very well unleash a tempest of fury.

Arguably the most feared question asked of men - especially by their wives and girlfriends - is these heart-stopping four words: "Do I look fat?" Sounds easy enough, but that's just the start of an unforgiving chain of interrogation where few men have escaped unscathed. The slightest misstep may sour the mood for the entire night, if not scar the relationship for eternity. Do not lightly treat the female power of persuasion and manipulation, gentlemen. They can extract your unspoken thoughts with a flutter of an eyelid.

So gentleman, if you truly care about your ladies' feelings, take this simple but challenging test:

Some guidance notes:

  1. Honesty is not the best policy, idiot. Say what she wants to hear. Basic rule.
  2. Keep calm. Be confident. Look her straight into the eye. 
  3. Watch out for curve balls. Women are fond of saying one thing, but actually hoping you'll say the opposite thing.
  4. Think fast. Improvise. Hold your position.
  5. Don't be afraid to make shit up. Talk science. Women won't argue against science. 
  6. Don't provide solutions. Just deny the problem exist.
  7. Always take a selfie.
  8. Selfie, selfie, selfie...
(In reality, the test can run on indefinitely, till the rest of the day. As long as she doesn't catch you stating or implying that she's horizontally challenged, you're safe.)

"Not fat at all. Guess I took a good #selfie."

And there you have it, gentlemen - tips and trick on how to maneuver your way out of the harrowing DILF test. You may fail at the first few hurdles, but that's fine. Practice makes perfect. Once you've passed the test, it means you're mastered the female psyche and more than equipped to dodge or deflect whatever other bombs they can throw at you, such as:

  • "Do you think the dress looks good on me?"
  • "Is she prettier than me?"
  • "What is it you like about me?"
  • "How's the pasta I made?"
  • "You were totally checking her out, weren't you?"

Females are sensitive creatures. Sometimes, she doesn't want to know the truth - she simply wants to be affirmed and feel good about herself. Don't feed her insecurities. Twist the truth, if you must. Guard her feelings, always.

Let me wrap up with a true story:

"Once upon a time, a woman met a man. They fell in love. At the wedding altar, she look him in the eye and asked: "Do I look fat?" In a heartbeat, the man answered: "You? Fat? Never!" And they lived happily ever after."

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