Tuesday, September 1, 2015

8 Reasons Why You Should Vote Me As Leader

Last weekend, a wave of yellow poured into the streets of Kuala Lumpur - plus a couple of major cities countrywide and worldwide - like golden honey syrup. Making a stand. Clamouring for change. Writing history. A grand show of unity unseen before since the days of... well, 2007, 2011 and 2012. To those who came out in droves for Bersih 4, I salute your bravery. May your shiny happy faces glow ever so brightly on Instagram, Facebook and Google Images forever more.

Yet, burning questions remain. It's fine and dandy to call for the Prime Minister to resign - but who then takes his place at the top? It's fine and dandy to call for free and fresh elections - but who then runs for them? Democracy isn't a silver bullet that instantly kills the big bad werewolves. People still need to choose their leaders wisely, or else society will spiral into the cycle of conflict, crime and corruption. Don't rejoice just yet - everything isn't awesome in Malaysia.

The night is bright and full of yellow yellow dirty fellows

Photo credit: Malaysiakini

So, what's next? Well, good news, people. 

I am next.

Vote for me next elections, and I'll lead Malaysia to eternal glory. There are millions of reasons why I'm the right guy for office, but let's start with 10 for now....

1. I will protect Islam: In university, I took up Islamic Law (okay, fine, it was compulsory). So yeah, I know my hadiths, ijtihads, sunnahs, and all that jazz. Scored an 'A' for my finals, woo hoo! Whereas for Constitutional Law and Jurisprudence, I only got a bloody 'C' (well, screw all the Western liberal indoctrination shit). So dear Muslims, you know where my wisdom and loyalty lies. Articles 3 and 153 - that's all one ever needs to know about the Constitution.

2. I will only write and speak in English: Sounds iffy, adopting a foreign language as my lingua franca. But hey, it's only fair to pick a language that's non-native to any of the major races, right? That way, no one complain about me being biased to Malays, Chinese or Indian.

3. I'm not Chinese: I'm really not. Don't let my fair skin and squinty eyes deceive you. I ain't no speak no Chinky-Chonk, yo! I've publicly denounced my Chinese ancestry. Heck, I even wrote a stirring Malay poem entitled "Apa Lagi Cina Mau?!" on Facebook (see, even my Malay is way more fluent than my Chinese). I swear allegiance only to the one and only true master race of the universe - the human race.

4. I'm Mr. International: Yes, that's me (not Pitbull - he's just a wannabe and a Cuban commie). I'll bring Malaysia back into the world stage as a superpower. Human Rights Council today, Security Council tomorrow! And how can I pull this off, you wonder? Well, 'cause I'm damn smooth with the ladies and tight with the ballers all over the world. You name it - London, New York, Rio de Janerio, Amsterdam, Melbourne, Moscow, Beijing, Seoul, Delhi, Lagos...

Like a G6

5. I lead a simple life: I don't have many desires in life. I'm immune to transient temptations like drugs, fast food and Taylor Swift. I consider myself a moderationist and minimalist - basically, some sort of a modern-day monk. I don't know kung-fu (since I'm not like, you know, Chinese), but I do know about the importance of abstinence and cosmic harmony. What all this all means is that I'm incorruptible. Don't donate me billions of dollar - I don't even know what to do with a hundred (stock up on instant noodles, maybe). I can eat kangkung (water spinach) all week. I'm a man of the people.

6. I have a shitload of experience: Junior head librarian (1997). School prefect (1999-2001). President of the English Language Society (2001) (told you my English very power - don't play play!). Assistant class monitor (1999). Yeah, even back in school, I was rocking the show. My latest CV runs to 45 pages (and that's excluding the preface, index, schedules and annexures). Beat that, suckers!

7. I will bring the World Cup to Malaysia - Malaysians care about football, I care about football. Malaysia to host the World Cup in 2026 - that's a promise. Sounds ridiculous? Not at all. My international contacts from Rio to Lagos will help me secure the votes. Easy peasy. Wire transfer some dollars into the Cayman Islands, take them out for a good time around Changkat - done deal.

8. I will solve traffic problems and more: Malaysians hate traffic jams, I hate traffic jams. But worry not, people! Once we get the rights to host the World Cup, we'll enjoy an infrastructure boom! Think of Commonwealth Games 1998 - but 10x better! Extended rail lines, driverless cars, Hyperloop tubes, quantum teleporters, laser bikes - you name it, we'll get it. Once I bring Google X and SpaceX to settle into Cyberjaya (with MNC status, of course), ain't nobody can hold us down!

Kuala Lumpur 2026

Take Me As Your Leader

Well, initially I said 10 reasons, but I think I better not get ahead of myself and stop at 8. In case my envious enemies steal my manifesto ideas, eh?

Vote me in, people. I won't let you down. Not in 2026, not tomorrow, not a single day. With me in charge, there will always be rejoicing in the streets, and no need for any more rallies. With me in charge, we will change the world together, one leap at a time.

Vote me as your leader, people. I know you want me (not Pitbull, not Najib). You know you want me.

Uno dos tres... let's go!

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